Becoming a mother is one of the biggest transformations a woman can experience. But no matter how many parenting books you read or how much advice you receive, there are certain things you can only truly understand once you have a baby of your own.
Before becoming a mother, I had dreams of building a successful career. I earned my master’s degree in computer engineering and imagined a future in which I would be financially independent and professionally fulfilled.
Then I had my first baby, and my life changed in ways I had never expected.
I was living in a new country, far away from my family, without relatives nearby to help with my baby. I experienced sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles and the challenge of finding even a little time for myself.
But motherhood also brought unexpected happiness. It strengthened my marriage, helped me overcome homesickness, introduced me to new friendships and eventually inspired me to create this blog.
Looking back on my motherhood journey, here are ten things I wish I had known before becoming a mother.
10 Things No One Tells You About Becoming a Mother
1- Your Personal Time Almost Disappears:
One of the first things I noticed when I became a mother was how quickly my personal time disappeared.
My husband was working full-time, and I was living in a new country, far away from my family. I didn’t have relatives nearby who could take care of my baby for an hour or two while I rested, went shopping or simply enjoyed some time to myself.
Suddenly, even the simplest activities became difficult.
Taking a shower without interruption, enjoying a hot cup of coffee or spending a little time doing something I loved felt like a luxury.
Before motherhood, I could organise my day around my own needs and priorities. After having my first baby, almost everything revolved around his feeding, sleeping and daily routine.
And because I didn’t have family support nearby, there were very few opportunities to take a proper break.
What I wish I had known
Having a baby doesn’t mean you should completely forget about yourself.
Even if you don’t have relatives nearby to help, try to find small opportunities to recharge. If you have a partner, talk openly about sharing childcare responsibilities and arranging time for each of you to rest.
Sometimes, having just 30 minutes to yourself can make a difference.
And if your baby is still very young, remember that this demanding stage won’t last forever. As your child grows, your routine and opportunities for personal time will change.
2- The Exhaustion Is Unlike Anything You’ve Experienced Before:
I knew that babies wake up frequently during the night, but knowing something and actually experiencing it are two completely different things.
Being unable to get a full night’s sleep left me exhausted during the day.
And when you’re caring for a baby, you can’t necessarily take a nap whenever you feel tired.
There are feeds, nappy changes, household responsibilities and countless other things that need your attention.
Some days, I felt exhausted before the day had even properly begun.
What made it particularly challenging was having no family nearby who could take over for a few hours while I caught up on sleep.
Sleep deprivation can also affect your mood, concentration and ability to cope with everyday challenges.
What I wish I had known
You don’t have to maintain a perfectly clean house or complete every task while caring for a newborn.
Prioritise rest whenever you reasonably can. Share overnight responsibilities with your partner where possible, accept practical help and let less important household tasks wait.
If you’re struggling with severe or persistent exhaustion, speak with your healthcare professional.
And remember to follow safe infant sleep guidance, even when you’re extremely tired.
3- You’ll Worry About Things You Never Thought About Before:
Before becoming a mother, I never imagined how much time I would spend worrying about whether my baby was getting enough milk.
During those early weeks, I constantly wondered whether I was producing enough breast milk to satisfy his hunger.
Was my milk nutritious enough? Was he getting everything he needed to grow and develop properly?
These questions occupied my mind more than I ever expected.
When you’re responsible for a tiny human being who depends on you for everything, even something as natural as feeding your baby can become a source of worry.
And those worries don’t necessarily disappear as your baby grows.
They simply change.
What I wish I had known
Rather than constantly guessing whether your baby is healthy and growing properly, learn which signs to look for and when to seek professional advice.
Your baby’s growth, feeding patterns, wet nappies and general wellbeing can provide useful information, but concerns about feeding or growth should always be discussed with a qualified healthcare professional.
I’ve also written about 7 signs of a healthy baby , which may be a useful starting point for new parents who want to understand what to look out for.
And perhaps most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask questions. You aren’t expected to know everything simply because you’ve become a mother.
4- Your Priorities May Change Completely:
I worked towards that dream by earning my master’s degree in computer engineering. I had ambitions, career plans and a clear picture of what I wanted my future to look like.
Then I had my first baby.
Living in a new country without family support made it difficult to pursue my career while raising my child.
Gradually, my priorities began to shift. Instead of focusing primarily on my own professional achievements, I found myself concentrating more on my children’s happiness, development and future.
Their achievements became incredibly meaningful to me. I started seeing my life and dreams through them, wanting to give them every opportunity to become happy and successful.
But that didn’t mean I completely abandoned my own ambitions.
I started looking for flexible jobs that I could do from home while caring for my children.
That search eventually led me to create this blog, To Be the Perfect Mother.
What began as a search for flexible work became an opportunity to share my motherhood experiences, connect with other parents and build something of my own.
If you’re also looking for ways to earn money while raising your children, you might find my article about 10 flexible jobs for stay-at-home moms helpful.
What I wish I had known
Motherhood can change your priorities without requiring you to give up every dream you had before becoming a parent.
Sometimes, you need to find a different route towards your goals.
For me, that route eventually led to blogging.
For another mother, it might mean returning to work, starting a small business, studying part-time or choosing to focus on raising her children for a while. There is no single path that works for every family.
5- Breastfeeding Can Be Much Harder Than You Expect:
It was physically and emotionally exhausting, especially when I was already struggling with sleep deprivation. But things gradually changed as my milk supply increased and breastfeeding became easier.
Despite the exhaustion, I began to experience something incredibly special.
Watching my baby grow and knowing that my own body was producing the milk that nourished him gave me a wonderful feeling I hadn’t expected.
Breastfeeding was one of the hardest parts of my early motherhood experience, but it also became one of the most rewarding.
What I wish I had known
Frequent feeding, particularly during the early weeks, can be normal. Newborns often feed frequently, and periods of cluster feeding can make it seem as though your baby wants to breastfeed constantly.
However, frequent feeding alone doesn’t tell you whether your baby is getting enough milk.
If you’re concerned about your milk supply, your baby’s weight gain or difficulties with feeding, seek advice from a midwife, child health nurse or qualified lactation consultant.
Taking care of your own health is important too. Eating a balanced diet, drinking according to thirst and getting whatever rest you can will help support your wellbeing during breastfeeding.
You can read more in my article about a breastfeeding diet to keep you and your baby healthy .
And remember, every mother’s feeding journey is different. Whether you breastfeed, express milk, use formula or combine feeding methods, what matters is that your baby receives adequate nutrition and you receive the support you need.
6- You Might Miss Your Old Life, Even When You Love Your Baby:
There were many days when I wished I could return to the time before I became a mother.
Not because I didn’t love my baby, but because I desperately missed having time to rest and take care of myself.
I missed the freedom of going shopping without constantly watching the clock. I missed being able to walk around the shops for as long as I wanted without having to find a nursery room every 30 minutes to feed my baby.
Even something as simple as going out for a few hours required so much more planning than before.
Sometimes, I wished I could have just one day of my old life back. A day when I could sleep as much as I needed, go wherever I wanted and think about nobody’s needs but my own.
And that’s one of the things nobody prepared me for. You can be deeply grateful for your children while still missing the independence, freedom and personal time you had before they were born.
What I wish I had known
Missing your old life doesn’t mean you love your new life any less.
Give yourself permission to enjoy activities that have nothing to do with motherhood.
Arrange some personal time when possible, reconnect with your interests and remember that you’re still an individual with your own needs.
Sometimes, even a short outing without having to organise everything around your baby’s routine can feel refreshing. And if feelings of sadness or loss become persistent or overwhelming, reach out for support.
7- Your Relationship With Your Husband May Change in Unexpected Ways:
Before becoming a mother, I had heard plenty of stories about how having a baby could put pressure on a marriage.
But my experience was surprisingly different.
Having our first child strengthened my relationship with my husband.
Sharing the experience of becoming parents brought us closer together in a way I hadn’t expected.
We were no longer just husband and wife. We were now raising a little human being together, sharing the excitement, responsibilities and challenges that came with it.
Becoming parents added another beautiful dimension to our marriage.
Of course, every relationship is different.
Some couples find that sleep deprivation, changing responsibilities and a lack of personal time create tension after having a baby.
Others discover a deeper connection through the shared experience of parenthood.
For us, having children strengthened the bond we already had.
What I wish I had known
Your relationship with your partner will probably evolve after having a baby, but that change doesn’t have to be negative.
Try to make time to communicate about your feelings, expectations and responsibilities.
Even small moments of connection can be meaningful when you’re both busy caring for a young child.
Remember that you’re not just parents. You’re also two people who need companionship, affection and emotional support.
8- The Invisible Mental Load Becomes Your Constant Companion:
If there’s one thing that has stayed with me throughout my motherhood journey, it’s the mental load.
In fact, I sometimes joke that the mental load has become my best friend!
Before becoming a mother, I never imagined how many things I would need to remember, organise and plan every single day.
Even while I’m cooking dinner, my mind is already thinking about the next few tasks.
What needs to be done after dinner? What do the children need for tomorrow? Is there anything I’ve forgotten? And the list never seems to end.
The mental load of motherhood isn’t just about physically completing tasks. It’s also about constantly anticipating everyone’s needs, remembering important details and planning what needs to happen next.
You can be sitting down, apparently doing nothing, while your mind is busy organising the rest of the day.
And then there’s mom guilt.
Sometimes, no matter how much you’ve accomplished, you still feel that you should have done more.
You might feel guilty for not spending enough time playing with your children, for taking a break when there are unfinished chores or for pursuing your own interests instead of doing something for your family.
That guilt can add another layer to an already demanding mental workload.
What I wish I had known
You don’t have to carry the entire mental load of your family by yourself. Sharing responsibilities means more than asking your partner to help complete individual tasks.
It can also mean sharing the responsibility for remembering, planning and organising them.
Try to establish routines, divide responsibilities and let go of the expectation that everything needs to be done perfectly.
If mom guilt is something you struggle with, I’ve shared more ideas in my article about overcoming mom guilt and finding balance .
Your wellbeing matters just as much as the wellbeing of the people you care for.
9- Motherhood May Change Your Social Life in Ways You Never Expected:
Many mothers experience loneliness after having a baby. They miss spending time with friends, going out with family or enjoying the social life they had before becoming parents.
My experience was quite different.
Before having my first child, I had spent an entire year feeling homesick. I was living in a new country, away from my family and the familiar people and places I had grown up with.
But when I became a mother, something unexpected happened. My life actually started changing for the better.
My husband and children became my closest friends, and our little family became the centre of my social life.
As my children grew older, motherhood also opened the door to friendships I hadn’t anticipated.
I started getting to know other mothers whose children were friends with mine. Through school activities, conversations and our children’s friendships, I gradually developed a new social circle.
The school community became an important part of my life.
Looking back, motherhood didn’t isolate me. In many ways, it helped me build a sense of belonging in a country that had once felt unfamiliar.
What I wish I had known
Motherhood can change your social life in different ways. Some mothers struggle with loneliness, particularly during the early months when they’re spending most of their time at home with a baby.
Others find new friendships and communities through their children.
If you’re feeling isolated, consider joining local parenting groups, attending library activities for babies and toddlers or connecting with other parents in your neighbourhood.
As your children grow, school communities and extracurricular activities can also provide opportunities to meet people.
If you’re currently struggling with isolation, you might find my article about how to battle stay-at-home mom depression and loneliness helpful.
And remember that building friendships in a new environment can take time.
For me, becoming a mother eventually helped turn a foreign country into a place where I could build a life and feel it’s my new home.
10- Your New Identity as a Mother May Take Years to Develop:
One thing I didn’t expect about motherhood was how gradually it would change my identity. I didn’t suddenly discover a completely new version of myself during my first year as a mother.
Instead, that transformation happened slowly, through the years. Every new stage of my children’s lives brought different experiences, responsibilities and challenges.
My priorities continued to evolve. The things I worried about changed, and so did my understanding of what being a mother meant to me.
I began motherhood as a woman who had worked hard to earn a master’s degree in computer engineering and dreamed of building a successful career.
Over time, I also became a mother who found enormous meaning in raising her children, supporting their development and celebrating their achievements.
But motherhood didn’t completely replace the person I had been before.
My ambitions, interests and desire to achieve something for myself were still there. They simply evolved alongside my responsibilities as a mother.
Creating this blog became one way to bring those different parts of my identity together.
It gave me an opportunity to pursue something of my own while sharing the experiences and lessons I’d gained through motherhood.
The woman I am today didn’t appear overnight. She developed through years of experiences, challenges, decisions and countless ordinary moments with my family.
What I wish I had known
You don’t have to figure out your entire identity during your baby’s first year. Your interests, priorities and ambitions may continue to change as your children grow.
Give yourself permission to explore new opportunities, revisit old dreams and discover what brings you fulfilment at different stages of your life.
Motherhood is an important part of who you are, but it doesn’t have to be the only part.