When I created this blog, my first child was only 10 months old, and I had a very different idea of what motherhood would look like.
I truly believed that if I tried hard enough, learned enough and gave enough of myself, I could become the “perfect mother.”
Years later, motherhood has taught me something completely different.
Why I Thought I Could Be the Perfect Mother:
When I started this blog, I really believed that being a “perfect mother” was something a woman could achieve if she simply tried hard enough.
A big part of that came from my personality and the way I had always approached life.
Before becoming a mother, I loved achievement. If I wanted something, I worked hard for it. If I wasn’t good at something, I practised until I improved.
In so many areas of life, I learned that the more effort you put in, the better the result usually becomes.
So naturally, I carried that same mindset into motherhood. I thought that if I learned enough, planned enough, cooked healthy enough, kept the house organised enough and gave enough of myself, eventually I would get motherhood “right.”
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Motherhood Doesn’t Work Like Everything Else:
Motherhood had other plans. Over the years, and through raising three very different children, I slowly realised that more effort does not always equal a better result.
Sometimes doing more simply means becoming more exhausted.
And I’ve learned something my younger self probably wouldn’t have understood: my children would often rather spend a slow day at home with a mother who is relaxed, laughing and emotionally present than have a perfectly organised day full of activities with a mother who has completely drained herself trying to make everything wonderful.
That was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Doing more does not always mean mothering better.
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What “Perfect Mother” Means to Me Now:
The challenges have changed as my children have grown too.
Motherhood is no longer only about sleepless nights, feeds, nappies and surviving the baby stage.
Now there are school worries, friendships, confidence, sibling arguments, activities, emotions, homework, and the constant mental load of trying to understand what three different children need from me.
Some stages are physically exhausting. Others are emotionally exhausting.
And through all of them, I am still learning.
I still care deeply. I still try hard. I still love doing things well.
But now I’m learning that being a good mother is not about doing everything perfectly.
Sometimes it is about slowing down.
Sometimes it is about leaving something unfinished.
Sometimes it is about choosing my own energy and happiness because my children feel the difference when their mother is okay too.
To me now, being the “perfect mother” is not about perfection at all.
It is about presence.
And knowing what matters enough to do, and what can wait.
What My Children Have Taught Me About Real Motherhood:
What My First Child Taught Me:
My first child was the one who challenged many of the parenting ideas I had before becoming a mother.
I thought that if I stayed calm enough, explained things properly and followed the right parenting techniques, I could prevent most tantrums and difficult behaviour.
What I learned instead is that children are allowed to have big emotions, even when we are doing everything “right.”
Sometimes a calm explanation is met with tears, anger or a very loud “No!”
That doesn’t necessarily mean I handled the situation badly. It simply means my child is still learning how to manage emotions that can feel huge to them.
One of the biggest lessons my first child taught me is that emotional regulation isn’t something we teach once and tick off a list.
It takes years.
And sometimes, while I am teaching my child how to regulate their emotions, I am still learning how to regulate mine too.
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What my second child taught me:
My second child taught me to let go of judgment.
Before motherhood, and even during my early years as a parent, I had strong ideas about what children should eat, how routines should work and what “good parenting” should look like.
Then I had a child with very strong opinions of her own. 😂
Suddenly, healthy meals could become negotiations. Foods she happily ate one week might be completely rejected the next. And some days, getting one small bite of something new felt like a major achievement.
That experience softened me.
It taught me that parenting is not always about having the perfect method. Sometimes it is about working with the child you actually have in front of you.
It also made me much less likely to judge another mother.
You never really know what is happening behind the scenes.
Sometimes a mother is not “giving in” or “being inconsistent.” She may simply be choosing the battle that matters most that day.
My second child taught me that flexibility is not failure. Sometimes it is wisdom.
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What my third child taught me:
My third child reminded me that even when you think you know what you’re doing, motherhood can still surprise you.
By the time she came along, I was no longer a first-time mother. I had already been through sleepless nights, feeding struggles, tantrums, routines and all the little worries that come with raising children.
I thought experience would make everything easier.
And in some ways, it did.
I worried less about the small things. I trusted myself more. I knew that difficult phases usually pass.
But she also taught me that every child is completely different.
What worked beautifully with one child might not work at all with another.
Sleep can be different. Temperament can be different. Feeding can be different. Even the way they need comfort can be different.
She also reminded me how quickly these stages pass.
With my first child, I often wanted to reach the next milestone. With my third, I find myself trying to slow down and notice more.
Not because motherhood suddenly became easy, but because I finally understand how temporary each stage really is.
My third child taught me that experience gives you confidence, but it doesn’t give you control. And maybe that is one of the biggest lessons of motherhood.
Why the Name Still Fits (But Means Something Different Now)
People sometimes say, “There is no such thing as a perfect mother.”
And now, I agree.
But I still love the name To Be The Perfect Mother because it means something very different to me than it did when I first created this blog.
Back then, “perfect” meant doing everything right.
It meant having patient responses, healthy meals, organised routines, a clean home and children who behaved the way I hoped they would.
Now, “perfect” means something much softer.
- It means loving my children through the difficult days.
- It means apologising when I get something wrong.
- It means showing up even when I am tired.
- It means knowing when to try harder and when to let something go.
- It means choosing connection over appearances.
- And sometimes, it means leaving the house messy, cancelling a plan or saying no to one more activity because I know my children need a mother with some energy left.
The name also reminds me of the new mother I was when I started this blog. I don’t want to look back at her and laugh at how unrealistic she was.
She was trying.
She loved her child deeply.
She simply hadn’t learned yet that motherhood is not something you perfect.
It is something you grow into.
So the name stays. Not because I am trying to become a flawless mother.
But because, to me now, being the “perfect mother” means becoming the best version of myself I can be for my children while still allowing myself to be human.
What I Know Now:
Years into motherhood, I still don’t have all the answers. I don’t think any mother does
There are still new stages, new worries and new situations that make me stop and wonder whether I am doing the right thing.
But I trust myself more now.
I know that one difficult day does not define me as a mother.
I know that my children can have big emotions without it meaning I have failed them.
I know that a messy house, a simple dinner or a quiet day at home does not make me less of a mother.
And I know that constantly exhausting myself in the name of giving my children “the best” is not always what is best for them or for me.
Motherhood has taught me to keep learning, but also to loosen my grip on perfection.
My children do not need a mother who gets everything right.
They need a mother who loves them, listens to them, tries again when she gets it wrong and allows herself to grow with them.
Maybe that is what To Be The Perfect Mother has been about all along.
Not reaching perfection. Just continuing to become. ❤️